There are bad Valentine’s Days, and then there are bad Valentine’s Days. Let’s not lie, we’ve all had at least one year where we’ve gone to eat at a sucky sushi restaurant or been left less than impressed by our significant other’s choice of lacklustre gift. But, rather than these V-Days, I am instead here to talk about the truly, truly awful ones. The ones that make you want to emigrate and never come back again.
You know what I mean. The Valentine’s Days where you finally get a date with your ultimate crush and he spends the whole night talking about what a MILF your mum is. Or when you’re slow dancing with your honey and accidentally rip his nipple ring through his shirt. No? Just me? Anyway, enough about me. These dire stories about the “most romantic day of the year” really do take the cake. Enjoy!
She should have left the thorns on the roses
“I work in a hotel that runs a Valentine’s offer: dinner and an overnight stay. I was newly single and wanted to be busy so I signed up to work. What wasn’t in the plan was having to wait the table where my ex was sitting – with his new girlfriend (who I didn’t know existed). Worse still, while they ate dessert, I had to scatter rose petals on all the beds and leave out massage-oil sets. I was literally prepping my ex to have sex with another woman. Fantastic.”
When your teacher knows you’re a loser, you know it’s bad
“in 6th grade i asked a girl in my class out on valentine’s day, before she could answer, my female teacher said quite loudly “HA, your not going to go out with that loser are you” (she might have been joking but it didn’t sound like it). the girl i asked out went from having a smile on her face, to a dissapointed look. she then turn to my tearcher and said “no”, while i made the walk of shame back to my desk…”
Call yourself a friend?
“In sixth grade I had a crush on a girl and I wanted to send her a rose (something the school did) but, I didn’t want her to know it was me (my handwriting is incredibly distinguishable and I was really shy) so I paid one of my friends a dollar to write her name and “Happy Valentines Day, From Your Secret Admirer” on the card. He went to the desk set up at lunch and turned in the card. Everyone at my lunch table (I should have mentioned this took place during lunch) watched as one of the teachers delivered the card to Lauren. (for that was her name) We continued to watch as she smiled and giggled with her friends, she then jumped up and ran to the desk where they were selling the card/roses wrote some stuff down and then ran back to her table. A few moments later, the teacher got up and walked over to my table, she gave a card to my friend, (that I paid to write the note) It was from Lauren, she had recognized his handwriting, and wanted to go on a date. He got up and went to her table and accepted the offer. Jackass.”
Credit: Frank McKenna
I thought Cupid was supposed to aim for the heart?
“As a treat, I dressed up as a sexy policewoman – complete with handcuffs and a plastic gun. I tied my boyfriend up on the bed, then jokingly ‘shot’ him, thinking the gun would just make a sound. Nope, it contained actual plastic pellets – that don’t hurt that much… unless they hit your bare tackle. I’ll never forget his howl… and the lack of sex after.”
Can someone date this person? Please?
“I spend every single Valentine’s Day living up to my user name”
Sounds like this guy’s parents were having a cracking V-Day
“I went out with the lads last year as we were all single; it was a good night – until I came home and found my parents bent over the kitchen table. And no, they weren’t eating. Scarred for life.”
The worst kind of Valentine’s Day possible, as far as I’m concerned
“Called to order take-out; was told about a 45 minute wait. Realized it was V-day. Made a sammich instead.”
Get yourself some self-respect, Jessica
“Sophomore year of high school. My boyfriend shows up to school with a rose so I start beaming and run up to him to give him a kiss. He stops me in my tracks and says “we have to talk.” Turns out he brought the rose for a different girl. After school we meet up in the band room (I was in band) and he says he loves this other girl and just has to try with her or he’ll always wonder “what if.” He then convinces me we should make out one last time “for closure” and uses my knee to save his gum so he can chew it again after we finished making out. He is now married to that other girl, they’ve been together ever since (14 years) and have a one-year-old son. Everything in this story is true except I am the guy in the story. Sorry Jessica!”
Featured illustration by Egarcigu