Everywhere you look, there is pro-relationship propaganda, surrounding you, making you feel inadequate, convincing you that you’re making a mistake if you haven’t found somebody. But there’s the chief problem – ‘somebody’. There are many somebodies out there: the problem is the chances of meeting the right somebody born in a particular city or country or street number can be quite slim.
Here’s a list for those of you who aren’t finding a partner, and all the reasons why having to depend on yourself for a while doesn’t have to be so bad.
1. Relationships often suck
Just putting out the obvious out there first. Most people, when pressed, agree that they are lost/have no idea what they are doing. When you put together two young depressed social media obsessed people who don’t know what they’re doing, and then make yourself co-dependent on one another, what often follows is months upon months of falsehood that you cling to purely out of an inability to be alone.
2. Many people only meet ‘the one’ late in life
Why should you meet your soulmate within the first third of your life? It makes no sense. All the stability and purpose of life is often sealed to your middle years, like your 30s or even 40s. Two people who have lived full lives before meeting one another are also in a better position to be serious, driven and actually conscious of who they are.
3. Relationships can hold back your other ambitions
Nothing is worse than wanting to explore or pursue a craft and being tethered back to a tiny room by a string of whiny texts from a man or a woman. Especially once the initial spark fades, this claustrophobia can become a prison worse than any other.
4. A lot of young couples end up divorcing
Up to half of all marriages fail. Half. If you have no time to develop yourself and understand where you are in life, and simply snuff out those questions by being attached to someone else who also refuses to address those questions, there’s a high chance your relationship won’t last 70 years.
5. What’s so special about that other person?
Here’s a tip for those who find themselves in the ‘friend zone’. If you relentlessly pursue one person, that person, who views themselves as inadequate, will look at you, and wonder “There must be something seriously wrong with this person if they think I’m worth chasing. They’re an idiot.”
The only thing worse than an incomplete fragmented person is someone who can’t let go of an incomplete fragmented person. If you’re chasing a relationship so hard that you get smitten with one person and can’t let go, despite all signs to the contrary, the hardest thing is to just bite the bullet and accept some loneliness. But it may be the smartest thing you do.
6. You can’t force feelings
It’s true. You just can’t. If you don’t feel chemistry with anyone around you, there’s nothing you can do. It’s brutal and unfair, but true.
7. There’s a reason why people joke about being ‘trapped’
Want to go on a vacation? Live in a new city? Try a new career? Well, now you have a second person who will weigh in and shape every last one of those decisions. You have to account for them, and most of the time, that means swallowing your ideals and soldiering on where you are now.
8. Nobody else can save you from yourself
Too often, a relationship is seem as the balm to soothe a thousand problems, but like everything in life, it presents problems of its own. So many single people want to stop being alone. They want meaning. They want compassion and genuine feeling in their life. But the hardest thing about life is learning to provide that for yourself. In the end, everyone is alone with themselves, and all their decisions, and pasts, and no other person can wash all that away, though sometimes it helps.
9. What even is a relationship, currently?
What is someone you’re ‘talking to’? Someone you hook up with regularly but aren’t really defined? Isn’t that just two single people too desperate to be alone but not serious enough to tether themselves to another person? Yet, they still get their feelings hurt, because there’s nothing casual about intimacy at all. It’s ok not to be ‘talking to’ anybody. It’s just a flimsy relationship without pretense, but all the same crappy emotions.
10. When you’re living the way you want, the right person will follow
Lastly, it’s worth remembering that you are the guiding ship of your own life. When you pursue the career you want, the hobbies you want, the place and the type of life you want, eventually, through all your work, you will find yourself crossing paths with the right person. It just takes time and faith – no easy things, for sure, but the most rewarding.
In summation, don’t try to force yourself into a relationship. Understand that life doesn’t work when you force it, and in the meantime, learning to live with yourself will be the hardest but most worthwhile thing you ever do.